Day One

Well...I've decided to have a blog about my new life in Dallas. Fuckin' Texas. Okay, listen you reader...if you are weak of mind or have some sort of outrageous morals that would make you gasp every time I curse, I suggest you stop reading just about...here. Not because I don't want to share my life with you, but merely because I believe that life is short and I'm not going to be super worried about offending someone. You obviously know me (hence how you heard about my blog) so you SHOULD know my humor (or lack thereof at some points).
Alright, glad we got that little warning label out of the way.
I've literally been here all of...thirty six hours. And it's already wonderful. The first day, however, was very hard. I was going through a clusterfuck of emotions. However...that all changed when I saw leopard shorts.
Yes. I said leopard shorts.
We get to Carissa and Dustin's apartment (where I'm staying indefinitely) and we're on our way out the door to dinner at Jake's when this creature appears before us. She was bigger than me, knock knee'd, in LEOPARD SHORTS, a tank top with NO bra, and slippers. Her long, badly colored hair was up in a messy pony tail and she was messing with her iPhone. She ends up getting on the elevator with us where I discovered she was sweating profusely around her hairline. You know...the sex sweat. I mean, c'mon....no bra? Ugly shorts? Sweating? In slippers? The heffa OBVIOUSLY wasn't working out, so she probably just got some...threw on the first thing she saw on her floor and walked out the door. It wasn't until we got away from her that Dustin revealed he'd noticed she had a line of black, ugly hair going down her back. I was too busy with the disturbing thoughts of someone actually screwing her with the LIGHTS on to notice her back, but he sure did. Just makes it even WORSE. Oh god, I'm a terrible person but whatever, who cares, you woulda thought the same thing. Don't lie.
Regardless. We go to Jake's (BEST FRIES EVER...ugh...my arteries thank me and curse me at the same time) and get sat at this table with this waitress who is dumber than a brick. She got Dustin and Carissa's drink order wrong (even though they ordered the same thing) which I just took as an honest mistake, I've done it before. But then she got Dustin's order wrong and DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE. I, as a waitress, was UPset. But I didn't make a scene because she'd messed up Dustin's order, not mine, and it was up to him to say something if he felt the need. This girl LITERALLY had two tables, came to ours to ask if we needed refills yet COULDN'T REMEMBER what drinks we had. ......................................Really, you stupid girl, how the FUCK do you forget Pepsi and Sprite. What. The. Hell. Too much. I didn't tip her. I've never done that.
After Jake's we decided to go to this bar in Addison called The Crown to meet up with Dustin and Carissa's friends. Everything was going well -- introductions were made, jokes were said (we covered everything from Pedophilia to Musical Theater), and everyone was pretty content. Until a man showed up. Apparently this man is SUPER DUPER annoying and kept introducing himself as his "alter ego" instead of his real name. He's just one of those really awkward people who feels like he has to overcompensate to keep up with the people around him. It's sickening.
After a restless night of sleep and random dream, we got up, got some tacos, went to look at cars, and saw HARRY POTTER..............oh jesus my mind is STILL fucked over by this nonsense. It was AMAZING. Epic. Wonderful. Fabulous. Happy. Sad. Brilliant. I cried. I laughed. I clapped. I cheered. I felt like this was a mother fuckin football game. TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahaha ohhhhhh yeeeeaaaaa. It was so epic, Brandon needed a cigarette afterwards and he doesn't even smoke. Go figure. We got a drink, we're back home, and I'm blogging...even though we have to get up in two seconds to go to Six Flags.....YES. Roller coasters. I need to ride something. ----- take that as you will.

I feel before I go, I must explain the name of my blog. Have you seen I Love You Phillip Morris? If you haven't, you must. And when you do, you will understand.

Peace and blessing, peace...and blessings. Flozell.
-M